which makes us all happy. Today we took Claire to see “Inside Out”, I was nervous about it because in the childhood cancer world there are a lot of articles out there as how the main character could be replaced with a grieving parent. They talk about how the first reaction is anger, and it takes the forefront and that ultimately you realize you have to be sad to ever be happy again. Lucky for us, I am not all that mad, so much has happened to us in the last 5 years, all really bad, that anger and jealousy are just not part of me anymore, in reality I am just sad and happy, really really sad, but today there were moments of happiness too. Claire loved going to the movies (thank you to whoever sent us movie gift certificates), we brought cousin Maddie who was an amazing influence and could treat them both to all the snacks in the world. I think it helped today that we both agreed Con would not have liked the movies (every single thing we do we think about how he would have liked it, in two ways, one if he never got cancer and the second if it never came back, we could not picture him liking the movies in either scenario he was just too darn social and not a couch potato), this enabled us to enjoy the experience with Claire and Maddie.
We then took them to Penguin for ice cream, where Claire wanted to play hide and seek, just like her and Con did last August, somehow I was able to smile through the heartbreak of knowing it would never be the two of them playing again. Claire was just having too much fun!
On the way home something amazing happened, Claire talked to Maddie about Connor. I have been trying so hard to get through to her (someone has been sending books I have not even heard of to the house, whoever you are, thank you, they help), but did not feel like I was getting through. To Maddie she said, matter of factedly, “I am a twin, Connor is my twin, he is gone, he is in the sky”. After we dropped Maddie off we stopped at the cemetary, Claire just said “oh we going to see Connor, I no go see Connor today”, so she stayed in the car, but today was a breakthrough for her, in just talking about him, understanding the abstract of what has happened.
After her nap she got to enjoy a jam packed night with her cousins where her nails got painted her signature “pink and blue” (pink for Claire and blue for Connor) and she played to her hearts content on Coopers Choo Choo train!
Claire had a really good day, and in turn we got to smile a lot too!