So so sad

I wish we could be upbeat, make everyone feel better about our situation like we have for the last year and a half, but we can’t, this has got to be one of the worst things to experience.  This morning, I was thinking, at 35 I have already experienced the best life has to offer me, I will never be purely innocently happy again, I am sure or at least hope there will be good moments, but there is always going to be something missing.  We thought getting away would help, a change of scene, it does to an extent, we have to get out of bed, we have to live through our daughter, but there is a huge downside too, all you think about is what is missing.  We are in Cape May for a few days, a place that none have us have ever been, we figured fresh start, but also did not want to spend too much because we are so incredibly sad, Cape May is nice, but all I do is think about Con in the context of everything we do, We Miss him so much.  Claire does too even though she can’t articulate it, every night for the last couple of months she and I would talk about Con when I put her to bed, she was aware of his limitations, but in her head they played together every day, she would tell me so.  When we went to Marco Island she was so independent, I think it was because Con was there in her head even if we just sat him next to her, in her head he was playing with her, so she did not need us.  We are trying our best to fill in for him, Casey better than me, but it is just not the same, we miss him so much.  Rationale me, knows Con would want us to be happy, and that the life he was living was not one he deserved or I wished for him.  It was one obstacle after another and in a way he and we were lucky he was so young, he did not know what he was missing out on (he had never been to school or activities), if he did beat it there would have been lots of late term effects which he would have struggled with every single day (the treatment was so inhumane) and ultimately he would have gotten cancer again (this is my opinion, I don’t mean the same kind, but the treatment causes lots of other kinds) so either way it sucks.  I just really can’t believe this is where we are, before Con’s diagnosis even with everything we had gone through, the years of infertility, the early births and long NICU stays we were aware of how good we had it, we were the luckiest people alive to have had these two miracle children with the absolute best personalities, now we have to figure out how to live without one of them and help our other child thrive despite having two very broken parents.  We miss him so so much and are so incredibly sad.



9 thoughts on “So so sad

  1. We just came back from Cape May and if Claire likes animals, we highly recommend the Cape May County Zoo. It’s just 15-20 minutes north of Cape May (closer to Stone Harber) and admission is free. Tons of animals, we had a wonderful experience! Also try to have breakfast at McGlade’s on the Pier – it’s right on the beach. Keeping you all in our prayers. You are such good parents!

  2. I really wish there was a magical wand to wave to make it all better. Nobody should ever have to endure this in life. Not you, not Connor, not Claire. My heart and soul feels and aches for you. I do hope you find solace in the good memories. That little Claire is something, alright. She certainly makes life worth living. The salt air is good for the soul. Breathe it in, and out, and repeat. Love to you all.

  3. Please don’t apologize for being sad… be sad – it is what you should be now and to some degree … forever. The numbness will diminish… moments of joy will begin to seep in… but for now be where you are and let others lift you.

  4. The only person you have to put on a brave face for is Claire. Period. Even then it doesn’t mean it is all sunshine and puppies. This is not about what anyone else needs. You need to find a space that you can think about what you, Casey & Claire need to get through now. What you do today and tomorrow will not be your life in 5 months or 5 years. I do not see a place where you as a parent cannot be broken. Time, love, family, friends & therapy can only help you function missing a piece of what made you work. You may never be innocently happy again, but I know that you will feel happiness with Claire in a deep way that many parents cannot. Feel sad as long and much as you need to. Connor is worth it. Then bask in joy when you can for as long as you need to. Claire is worth it.

  5. Anna said that beautifully. Don’t apologize for being sad. And don’t apologize for being happy — even momentarily. You will find moments of joy again, even though your heart will always be broken.

  6. Oh Erin. I’m so sorry. The emptiness your family feels is probably the worst heartache ever to exist. A parent should never have to lose their child. A twin should never have to lose their best friend. Just looking at the twins each day I cannot imagine what you are going through . I think about you guys every single day when I count my blessings I also feel heartache for you. I know you are doing what you have to do for claire but of course you are sad. And that’s part of the grieving process. I hope that as time passes and claire gets a little older, gets involved in sports or other activities, meets a new best friend, you and Casey can begin to move forward little by little. Moon or is irreplaceable we all know that. Your wounds I imagibe will never completely heal but other things will begin to fill your life in your own personal life and through Claire’s. I guess Id say to take all of this time and grieve. And when you are ready slowly start building up your “old life” again and fill it to the brim with the things connor would want you to do. Love to the whole family as always. Xoxoxxooxox Melissa

  7. Time…time…and more time. I know its still very early but try not to dwell solely on his passing. Remember that he Lived! and he lives on thru you and Casey and Claire who by the way is so beautiful. And she has the most loving parents in the world. May God bless and comfort you.

  8. I think about you and your family every day, Erin. Mostly, I hope (at some point) for you to have some peace. My heart breaks for you and I’m so sorry you are going through this. Hugs for you all ❤️

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