I wish we could be upbeat, make everyone feel better about our situation like we have for the last year and a half, but we can’t, this has got to be one of the worst things to experience. This morning, I was thinking, at 35 I have already experienced the best life has to offer me, I will never be purely innocently happy again, I am sure or at least hope there will be good moments, but there is always going to be something missing. We thought getting away would help, a change of scene, it does to an extent, we have to get out of bed, we have to live through our daughter, but there is a huge downside too, all you think about is what is missing. We are in Cape May for a few days, a place that none have us have ever been, we figured fresh start, but also did not want to spend too much because we are so incredibly sad, Cape May is nice, but all I do is think about Con in the context of everything we do, We Miss him so much. Claire does too even though she can’t articulate it, every night for the last couple of months she and I would talk about Con when I put her to bed, she was aware of his limitations, but in her head they played together every day, she would tell me so. When we went to Marco Island she was so independent, I think it was because Con was there in her head even if we just sat him next to her, in her head he was playing with her, so she did not need us. We are trying our best to fill in for him, Casey better than me, but it is just not the same, we miss him so much. Rationale me, knows Con would want us to be happy, and that the life he was living was not one he deserved or I wished for him. It was one obstacle after another and in a way he and we were lucky he was so young, he did not know what he was missing out on (he had never been to school or activities), if he did beat it there would have been lots of late term effects which he would have struggled with every single day (the treatment was so inhumane) and ultimately he would have gotten cancer again (this is my opinion, I don’t mean the same kind, but the treatment causes lots of other kinds) so either way it sucks. I just really can’t believe this is where we are, before Con’s diagnosis even with everything we had gone through, the years of infertility, the early births and long NICU stays we were aware of how good we had it, we were the luckiest people alive to have had these two miracle children with the absolute best personalities, now we have to figure out how to live without one of them and help our other child thrive despite having two very broken parents. We miss him so so much and are so incredibly sad.