I have gone back and forth on ever posting again, I finally realized that posting was both helpful for me in getting my feelings out there, but more importantly to keep Con’s memory alive, to remind people this happens, because awareness ultimately leads to funding and hopefully a cure, meaning no family has to endure the pain we are. The whole world has moved on around us why ours has stood still, time does not heal, in our case it has only made the pain worse. I am not sure there are stages of grief when losing a child, we just feel a suffocating Saddness and utter disbelief that gets worse and more intense each passing day, not better. Neither of us are angry, we just can’t believe this happened, that kids get cancer, that when they do, most ultimately die (despite what the media may lead you to believe) and that it happened to our perfect baby. It has become painful to watch videos or even look at some pictures it just reminds us how wonderful he was and how unfair this all is. We never know what will set us off, but I can give one piece of advice to anyone we might encounter, don’t ask us how we are doing despite what any expert may tell you to do, if we want to tell you, we will, unsolicited, all asking us how we are doing will accomplish is setting us off at a time we most likely don’t want to, or a fake answer that will ultimately make us feel like crap. What I do know is I hope to one day soon figure out how to make a difference in this war against childhood cancer and honor my sweet boy, just the other day I was considering starting a charity on the side, that would help kids inpatient really celebrate the holidays since the hospitals often fall short, as they did last year on Halloween for Connor, he never got a “real” Halloween and I never want another mother to feel like I do, but I am not sure that is my calling, need more time to think about it and if emotionally I am ready to jump back into the world of childhood cancer. Other than that we have been focusing on our sweet, sweet girl. I hate to say it, but while grieving her brother she is also thriving, she definitely got left all the best parts of his soul. She has started eating again (she went on a hunger strike when Con got sick that got worse and worse to the point where she would not really eat anything the last two months of his life), is patient, listens, shares and overall sweet, we are so blessed to have her, she is our light and worth living for. Every morning she gets us out of bed, we see how amazing she is and make a choice to give her the best life we possibly can, we know that is Con’s wish and legacy, she was the person he cared about more than anyone else, she was his light too.
So a little of Claire Bears adventures since we last updated:
Went to Land of Make Believe and she missed her best friend going on the rides with her (mommy and daddy have had to fill in):
Went to the Crayola Factory
Got her face painted for the 1st time like the butterflies who hang out at “Connor’s playground” whenever her cousins visit!
And lastly, put a smile on her Mama’s face everyday with her sweet hugs for both her Mama and the pinwheel she named “Connor” during our daily visits to him at “the garden” (what a cemetary looks like through the eyes of a three year old)