One Year Ago

I know it has been awhile, I have not  posted, I honestly have not done much, but if I am now going to honor this journey for Claire I need to post again, let you know how we are doing.  One year ago today, we were home as a family of four, Connor and I (I say I because the journey was ours together in that 10 by 10 hospital room on isolation) had finished his first stem cell round with flying colors, Connor was “Connor” but he would catch a stomach virus, then pull out a broviac, his next round would be delayed by 11 days, 1 year ago during these 11 days is when I think we gave the cancer a chance, when it came back.  I have no regrets, a cancer that comes back the second that radiation or chemo wears off is going to come back no matter what, but to think that all started happening a year ago is beyond rough, treatment was so traumatic it seems like yesterday.  I myself am suffering from major PTSD, I am convinced cancer is going to come back into our life sooner rather than later, because let’s face it bad things happen to us.    I know this is no way to live, but it is the way we are living right now, we are in such incredible pain, we miss our baby so much, words can’t do it justice.   We miss him on so many levels, as the perfect child he was to us, as the perfect brother he was to Claire, we feel so much guilt that Claire has to miss out on that sibling relationship.  On the other hand I feel so blessed for what I do have in Casey and Claire.  I mean Claire single handedly keeps the ship afloat, her spirit is just amazing, and while she is only one kid, I promise you there is one less soul in this world, because Connor left his to his favorite person in the world, and Claire is now a combination of the two, literally our favorite parts of both of them.  Her teacher has commented how much she has calmed down (Claire had severe ADHD and would move from thing to thing, Connor was focused and calm) this is no coincidence, this is Connor, not her.  Before Connor died if Claire wanted to be held she would say, “I get up”, now she says “Hug me”, the very words Connor said to me day in and day out, this literally started the day he died.  There is so much more, Casey and I often find ourselves looking at each other when she says something, saying “did that really just happen”?  So to really update, we have been adjusting to life as a family of three and finally getting into our grove, and Claire has been saving us every step of the way.  The other thing that has saved me is Heartworks, I went to my first meeting last month and as much as they helped my family during Connor’s illness, the meeting probably helped me more.  I have stack of thank you cards with Connor’s face on them and a print out of everyone who donated, I do not know if I will ever be able to write those thank you cards (it is just to painful and many bereaved moms told me not to worry), so from the bottom of my heart, Thank you, by donating to Heartworks you not only honored Connor, but are also saving me, as that meeting was the first time I felt good in a long time, I can’t explain it, but it was amazing.  So here is Claire with the mums she dropped off at the Heartworks house this weak, I will never forget when I came home from the hospital one year ago and my house was decorated for fall, with mums, a scarecrow and pumpkins, it felt so good and healing to do this for another family who is suffering this year!

  

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One thought on “One Year Ago

  1. Very few people can understand what you are going through, and so very few people can tell you what is right or how to do this. What I do know is that Connor and Claire knew each other over 6 months before you met them. They touched and made sounds and know each other. Being a twin will not define Claire yet twindom & Connor will always be a part of her. I’m going to mail you a national geographic on twins I’ve saved. Even those that were raised apart sensed each other & even had similar experiences. It will never replace or heal the place left empty from Connor, but I believe and pray that you will see old and new things that are part Connor and part Claire. They’re twins even with him in heaven.
    I have no doubt you all have PTSD. Claire can carry you all for now, but what you and Casey experienced was real and beyond “traumatic”. I’m always grateful to Heartworks. Stay close to them and keep talking. You’re good people to keep helping others when you’re still grieving.
    And you have done a lot…you’ve sustained yourself and your family after losing a love of your life. That’s it. Your family and what you love. So being with them, the fighting Cancer and the past 3.5 months is ‘enough’. xo

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