Catchin Up

So there has been too much stress in our lives to update, but in what I expected to be one of the worst days for us, it was great, and tomorrow I am going to live in the moment for my daughter, not focus on what I do not have, but rather what I do, thank you Heartworks!

So the last few months, that drama mostly is focused around me and while the last few months are incredibly unfair and the way God seems to continually test us is at times unbearable, I know it could be worse and am so incredibly thankful for today.  

So to back up, Casey and I always wanted a third child but knew that would be incredibly unlikely, heck, I have a hard time getting pregnant (even with help) and when I do get pregnant, I can’t stay pregnant (I think I am almost in double digits on the chemical pregnancies, have two real miscarriages and the twins were 25 weekers, just on the edge of viability), but right before C and C turned 2 (and Con was diagnosed) we decided we were ready, the babies made us so happy, we loved being parents, regardless of the challenges prematurity might throw at us, then Con got diagnosed, I was told in no uncertain terms to NOT get pregnant, if I did I would not be able to adequately care for my baby.  I listened to the instructions, I do not regret it, I am thankful for never having to worry about touching him, getting thrown up on, getting peed on, but that time in an incredibly cruel twist of faith might have been our last chance to have another baby.  When Con was finishing treatment I got myself back to the fertility clinic, got my IVF set up, Con would be the best big brother, I knew at some point he would relapse, but I knew he would also love a baby more than anyone, then we found out Con was terminal, I put things on hold, thought maybe God would give us one, not make us work so hard, I was wrong.  After a while we planned a start date it ended up being the week Con passed, so clearly we put it off, we finally did it, it didn’t work, actually it was a chemical so we had our hopes up and slowly saw them dashed, for anyone who has experienced a failed IVF, it is horrible, to be shortly told after you can not have a  biological  child, after you lost a child to cancer, is unthinkable.  We want another child for so many reasons, first we always wanted it cancer or not, second we missed out on it all, our introduction to parenthood was so far from normal, it was scary, not happy, we actually never got to carefree/happy/enjoy the moment because the moment we were supposed to be able to breathe a sigh of relief Con got diagnosed with cancer.  Besides the newborn stuff in which our experience was anything but normal, I missed 2, I can tell you I have honestly no idea what 2 looks like, Con was in treatment for all of 2, Claire was raised by my mom and sister, they know what 2 looks like, not me and I so badly want to know what 2 is like.  Through an awesome connection through Heartworks I was able to get a second opinion, that opinion did not think I should throw in the towel so quickly, so I started my testing at a new clinic.  This clinic required a baseline mammogram, something I was scared to death of, when they told me I broke out into a cold sweat, I would rather not know, I have already had a lumpectomy 4 years ago for a benign tumor, the site had been bothering me, I knew something was there, I have known something was there since Con was diagnosed, not something I could feel through a self exam, but something I just felt was off about.  So I made an appointment for today since both Casey and I were off, I needed him there.   In the meantime, as I was stressing about the mammogram I was living my life thankful for what I had, realizing through grief I could still lose so much more, so lived every day just loving on Claire.  The other testing they required was some bloodwork, you do it on “day three of your cycle”, that was two weeks ago, I had gotten a positive pregnancy test this past cycle, but thought it was chemical, went in for the testing and they found HCG, I went in for bloodwork everyday for almost 14 days, my arms were purple with bruises, they were convinced I had an etopic pregnancy, because while the HCG was perfect, other hormones weren’t, they wanted me to take shots of a chemotherapy Con was on to terminate the pregnancy, I refused the drug was just too toxic, was told my life was at risk, the tube could burst at any moment and I would have internal bleeding, finally 2 weeks in they found the embryo on an ultrasound in my uterus, it looked perfect, something 4 weeks earlier I was told was impossible, 3 hours later i miscarried, it was confirmed via ultrasound, only one small problem my hcg increased instead of decreased, the risk for etopic was back, I should be ready to take the injections, I said no, did a painful intrauterine biopsy where it was confirmed I just did not finish miscarrying, which brings us to today the mammogram, I called,it was okay to do it with even high levels of HCG, so with taking xanex for only the second time since Con has passed, we went, I did it, on the ultrasound they found something, in my scar, measured it, the doctor came up, and informed me my benign tumor either regrew in the same place or I have a new one, I may at some point need to get it removed, but my mammogram looked great and he assured me with 25 years of experience this is not cancer!  I beat my PTSD today, I took on my greatest fear and God was good to me, all this after seeing Claire thrive at school, today was a good day, with a clean slate, we are energized to tomorrow focus on Claire, not think about what we don’t have, but what we do, a little girl beating all the odds in too many ways to mention, to remember we will never get this Halloween back, to be thankful we are healthy enough to enjoy it and knowing our superhero is smiling as he watches us enjoy her!


4 thoughts on “Catchin Up

  1. Oh Erin. It is just too much. I know…I KNOW you will be and want to be present for 5, 12 & 18. I believe it is okay to be sad about what you missed with Claire or will miss with Connor as long as it doesn’t keep you from the present or future. You have always been a champion for your twin preemie fighters and it just makes me so proud & impressed that you can & are doing the same for yourself.

    I have not been sure for some time of where my faith stands for many reasons…but I have and will continue to pray for C & C to have siblings. Until then I also give thanks for what you have. xo

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